What I Won’t Carry Into 39

The hardest thing to do is walk away from someone your heart isn’t ready to let go of.

But after years, a baby, and endless conversations about the same things, there comes a point where you realize there’s nothing left to do.

I turn 39 in 21 days, and lately I’ve been evaluating the people in my life—the people I associate with, the people I spend my time with, and the people I surround myself with.

If someone isn’t bringing value into my life or enhancing it in some way, I’ve found myself naturally becoming more distant.

I’m currently in a space where I’m working on healing, learning more about myself, and discovering the things I like, want, and need.

And one thing I’ve realized is that in my romantic relationships, they tend to become one-sided.

I give.

I pour into.

I overextend myself.

Even in moments when I don’t necessarily want to.

I try to think about what I’d want from someone and how I’d want them to show up for me, so I try to model that.

But one thing I’ve had to realize is:

I can’t expect me out of other people.

People aren’t me.

They don’t think the way I think. They don’t love the way I love. They don’t necessarily show up the way I would show up.

And while I’m learning to accept that, I’m also learning that accepting someone for who they are doesn’t mean I have to accept everything they give me.

It feels good to say no.

It feels good to create boundaries.

It feels good to protect the peace I’m building.

But none of that changes the fact that walking away from someone you’ve been with for years, someone you’ve shared a child with, and someone you’ve had so many conversations with is hard.

Even when you know it’s necessary.

Even when you know things have to change.

Even when your mind understands something that your heart hasn’t completely caught up to yet.

Allowing someone to talk to me at their convenience had become the norm.

And like the saying goes, what you accept is what will continue.

I’m realizing that I can’t keep accepting things simply because I’ve become accustomed to them.

Just because something has been my normal doesn’t mean it has to remain my normal.

So as I get closer to 39, I’m thinking about what I want this next chapter to look like.

Who do I want around me?

What kind of relationships do I want?

How do I want to be treated?

What am I willing to give?

What am I no longer willing to tolerate?

And most importantly…

Who am I becoming?

I wanted to close out any dead-end chapters before I turn 39.

Not because I don’t care.

Not because it’s easy.

And definitely not because my heart is completely ready.

But because sometimes you have to choose what you know you need over what your heart is still holding onto.

I’m ready to start this next chapter fresh and free.

Free from relationships that drain me.

Free from constantly overextending myself.

Free from feeling like I have to convince someone to show up for me.

Free to discover what life looks like when I stop pouring from an empty cup.

And maybe that’s another part of finding me…

Learning that walking away doesn’t mean I failed.

Sometimes it means I finally chose myself.

39 is coming.

And there are some things I’m simply not taking with me. 💛