Dej's Discoveries

Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflection.

When I started this journey, I knew I wanted to figure out who Dej was outside of being a mother, a wife, or a girlfriend. But the more I think about myself, the more I realize that finding myself also means being honest about the patterns I’ve developed over the years.

Some of these realizations are hard to admit.

I’m not writing them down to beat myself up or label myself as a “problem.” I’m writing them because I believe that recognizing something is the first step toward understanding it—and eventually doing something different.

So, here are some things I’ve realized about myself:

1. I am uncomfortable with change.

I tend to stay in situations—relationships, friendships, and even jobs—far longer than I should because I’m afraid of the unknown. Sometimes the familiar feels safer, even when I know it’s no longer good for me.

2. I struggle with saying no and setting boundaries.

A lot of that comes from a fear of losing people. I’ve sometimes sacrificed my own comfort and needs because I was more afraid of someone leaving than I was of losing myself.

3. I tend to isolate.

When I’ve been hurt, my instinct is often to pull away and keep to myself. If I don’t let people get close, then they can’t hurt me… or at least that’s what I’ve convinced myself.

4. I struggle with making and maintaining friendships.

I can sometimes self-sabotage relationships over the smallest things. Looking at it honestly, I think part of that is my way of protecting myself before someone else has the opportunity to hurt me.

5. I have a hard time trusting myself.

I often seek outside validation to make sure I’m making the right decisions. Sometimes I already know what I want to do, but I need someone else to tell me it’s okay.

6. I avoid difficult decisions.

When a decision feels hard, I tend to put it off rather than face it. Sometimes avoiding the decision feels easier than dealing with the consequences.

7. I put other people’s wants and needs before my own.

I’ve spent so much time making sure everyone else is okay that I’ve sometimes forgotten to ask myself if I’m okay.

8. I struggle with being alone.

For a long time, I felt like my identity was attached to being a mother and a wife or girlfriend. Being needed by someone else gave me a sense of purpose, and I’m realizing that I need to learn who I am when nobody needs anything from me.

9. I don’t know who I am outside of being a mother.

This one is probably the hardest for me to admit.

I’ve been a mom for almost 20 years. Being a mother has been such a huge part of my identity that I’m still trying to figure out what parts of me exist simply because they’re me.

What do I like?

What makes me happy?

What do I want?

What makes me excited?

Who is Dej?

I’m still figuring that out.

10. I often think I’m undeserving of being genuinely happy.

This is probably the hardest realization of them all.

I don’t always understand where that feeling comes from, but I know it’s there. And I know that if I’m going to truly find myself, I have to start believing that happiness is something I deserve too.

So, What Now?

I don’t have a perfect answer.

I’m not going to wake up tomorrow and suddenly have all of these things figured out. I know there will probably be moments when I fall back into old patterns. There will be times when I’ll want to isolate, avoid a difficult decision, or look to someone else to tell me what I should do.

But there’s something different now.

I’m aware.

I can see these patterns.

And maybe that’s where the real work begins.

I’m learning that self-reflection isn’t about finding everything that’s wrong with you. Sometimes it’s about finally being honest enough with yourself to recognize the things that are keeping you from becoming the person you want to be.

I don’t know exactly who Dej is yet.

But I’m starting to believe that I deserve to find out.

And maybe that’s what this whole journey is really about.

Finding me. One discovery at a time. 💛